i’m feeling very defensive this morning. someone entered my space too quickly at work and that threw the pleasant evening i previously had out the window. i’ll never understand how people (and it seems to be most people) don’t have, what i consider, to be proper manners and courtesy. i’m not talking “yes ma’am”s and “no sir”s, i’m talking “don’t come behind my desk and stand beside me when you need something, this is my desk, everything on this desk is mine so stop touching stuff, if you need me stand at the front of the desk like you’re supposed to”. but why this has to ruin my entire mind so suddenly i’ll always suffer to figure out.
i did have a pleasant evening, as i mentioned. i have two friends right now who have been especially attentive since Lady passed. it’s been a week without her now, and i suppose i’m slowly feeling better. outwardly, at least. but as to the evening- i played a game with one of those two friends and a few of his friends. to be honest, just being invited was enough to make my night. and it was fun. i laughed. i just hope none of them hated me. i might have laughed too much.
i finished the first draft of one of my writing projects. (calling them projects feels silly.) i have a few short stories and two novella ideas, and i finished the first draft of one of the short stories. i’m not sure if i like it, and of course, i need to love it. i did like it yesterday. that type of thing tends to fluctuate. i’ll get it as sensible as i can manage and then i’ll ask my mom to read it. she isn’t the audience i intend for (i’m not entirely sure who my audience would be, really), but i’ve found that’s a good thing. she has no genre bias. she does have a daughter bias though, i guess.
i’m feeling inadequate in a general way today. i wasn’t before, but then someone stepped into my space, someone touched my things, and i opened substack and felt like the smallest person in the world. i think i lack enough validation, but one can’t just go around begging for that sort of thing. it gets on peoples’ nerves. i am a desperate individual, but i don’t want to intrude on others by showing it all the time.
after Lady died i found MawMaw’s necklace, what, five years after her death? that was comforting. i figured it was lost forever. i wouldn’t have gone through that bag so soon and so carefully if Lady hadn’t died. lose a dog, gain a necklace, i guess. i think i’d rather have just kept Lady around for a while more.
i’ll try to cheer up.
It's so hard after that kind of loss. Give yourself grace; scream, cry, be numb, whatever you feel, feel it. You don't need to be a cheerful person to be a person or to be loved. You are allowed as much time as you need to grieve