march 10th

9:26am

i went to bed early last night because i was so tired, but the thunder of the storm was directly over my house, and it was a consistent nuisance. every time i’d finally begin to doze off it would jolt me awake, so i’d have to try again and again and again and again. now i’m so tired today. i did sleep after the storm passed, i just don’t feel it was enough.

i woke up from a heartbreak dream around 5:30am and stared at the ceiling. my cats were with me, all three, and i didn’t want to cry so i didn’t. i thought to myself that today is the day to do it, i can do it today.

the dream was too simple. he was still a loser. what got me was his chest. i know he’s not really sorry, but in my head he reached out and i went to his chest, and i could smell him.

i don’t know what to do. i’ve been losing weight, but what does that do for me? i don’t care to be any more or less desirable. i haven’t been able to write since Friday.

i used to tell myself all the time that my peak would be when i’m old. i’ve just gotta make it to being elderly and i’ll be happy.

i remember when he finally called. my heart was racing and i felt so alone and i was so groggy from the pills and i didn’t want to hog one of the phones during the entire designated call time and i didn’t have long so i was nervous. the first thing he said wasn’t something like “how is it there?” or “i’m sorry” or “are you okay?”. the first thing he said was “Joey killed himself” and then “the funeral is tomorrow”. i dropped to the floor and my stay was extended.