may 14th

9:41am

it has been a horrible year so far. between me and [brother] and Mom it’s just been horrible.

i’m having the best year of us, which is a strange relief; usually i’m doing pretty poorly. i can’t celebrate though, i can’t feel the relief, i won’t, lest i upset the others. no one is ever in the mood for celebration.

i think that’s why i’m so excited for the Masculine release event. i can go someplace and be proud of myself, proud of those around me, feel real and secure and not at all guilty. i just wish i had someone to share it with. truly share it.

i would like to be celebrated. i need that, i think. Masculine isn’t for me, but i’m attaching myself. Bad Clown is publishing me too, so i figure that’s alright. i’ll celebrate it all.

yesterday i was active for a time. i cleaned out the CRV, vacuumed it, got the oil changed (there was a cute mechanic), hand-washed the exterior—it felt good. specifically it felt good to wash it. it was hot and the hose was cool and i was sweating and i could feel each strand of hair sticking to my neck. i put it up, but when it began to fall down i let it because i hadn’t sweated in so long. it felt good to sweat. the sun.

Jeff joked that i had never washed the CRV like that when i was driving it. i laughed ‘cause he was right. i was only doing all that because [brother] needed it. i should’ve done all that for myself, too. my car smelling so good and being so clean would’ve made me feel happier, i’m sure of that. i don’t think i’ll have that issue with the Sonata, so long as i don’t let it begin. i’m better locked now.

i drove that CRV for years. how strange for it to be gone. i hope [brother] doesn’t have to drive it for long.