may 18th

9:32am

i can only hope that someday these people will regret the lack of energy they put into me. that they’ll regret i realized my own wasted on them and quit. that some day they will wish they hadn’t left me on read so often, that they’d been more generous towards me, kinder towards me, that they’d read my drafts as i read theirs and that they appreciated the support i gave to them enough to give some to my work.

maybe they’ll never even know to regret it. that would be fine too; i love an enemy turned ignorant fool.

why is it that people who i don’t know support me more than the few i consider “close” to me? closer than others, at least. there are no others. the onlies.

it could be that they don’t know me. i haven’t upset them.

i never know when i’ve upset someone because they never tend to tell me. why is it that people sit with an issue until it becomes something bigger than it began as? why can people not communicate a grievance? why can people not grow?

i am trying to remain positive this morning. i have a story to work on, to finish if i can. i have a new nutritional/fitness plan to begin today. there is an event next month of which i’m looking forward to.

i cleaned out that corner of my room. so much stuff to rid of, so much to sort and store. i found a little journal i kept in middle school, though i’m fairly sure i fabricated most of the contents. i remember wanting to seem normal, to seem what i thought was normal, and so i would pretend. who writes a single yearly entry, all in the exact same manner, only three times in a row? i definitely embellished the drama of my crushes. i didn’t even crush all that hard, not that i can recall.

there was one part that caught my attention, though. i mentioned Matthew twice. i definitely made up our “bad breakup”—it was an entirely normal separation, from what i can recall. in fact, i don’t think we officially broke up at all. i think we just faded out because we didn’t share any classes; and i couldn’t focus on much.

at the end i wrote “he still likes me”, but i can’t remember if that much was true or not. it doesn’t matter, really. i just like that i wrote his name. it was strange seeing that. i don’t have much record from that time. even if the entries were mostly little me being dramatic, i decided to keep them, for Matthew’s name. he’s the only person i’d reach out to today, if i could.

nightmares again. last night i kept waking up, so i’m quite tired today. i’m feeling alright, considering. i don’t remember the contents of the dream—i say “dream” because the same one continued each time i fell back asleep—but i do remember the one from Saturday night. i’d lost Anri, seemingly for good.

i can buy a desk soon.