may 21st

11:44am

i’ve nearly completed week one of my new health program. Nikki¹ made it for me and i’m overwhelmingly grateful. i made my first blunder yesterday at the gym—i used the wrong bike for my twenty minute elliptical section. i realized about halfway through that this bike must be for standing despite the seat, because my ass hurt. i was committed to the twenty though so i endured. i’ll use one of the other bikes next time. my bone is sore.

everything else went well. wait i lied. i have no balance for the bird dog. i’m gonna work on that. i just did extra dead bugs to make up for it.

the gym is amazing for people-watching. so many behaviors to observe.

i feel good, like i’m doing something good. probably because what i’m doing is good. it’s nice how that works.

this week has been horrid. i can’t wait for it to be over. but Momma will be home tonight and we’re gonna get dinner and i’m gonna relax. i thought that getting myself right would significantly improve my mind, but if it has, everything else around me is blocking the affect. maybe not. however bad i feel right now, perhaps it would have killed me before.

i’m being dramatic again. i’m fine. i told Momma yesterday that “i’m fine. i have to be fine so i’m fine.” that’s true. i am fine. i wish i could make everyone else fine, too.

i was so angry yesterday, so frustrated and finished and next to freaking the fuck out, that the twenty minutes on the bike was nothing at all. i don’t want to always be so upset while i’m at the gym, but i’ve gotta admit that it was impressive.

i really want a meat stick right now.

i’ve gotta work Saturday because of the audit, but i don’t mind. i rarely get the opportunity for overtime. and we’ve got Monday off anyway. i really need to do something either Sunday or Monday, i just don’t know what. i need to start doing things.

i very much like the story i’m working on. there’s a lot of Momma in it, but in a way that’s just for me.

1. Nikki | Nocturnal Narrator that Nikki. she’s helping me tremendously.