may 8th

11:59am

i am not feeling well so i’m trying to think of good things. bees came to mind.

i was overjoyed at the sudden influx of bee lovers a few years ago. it was a trend i could get behind. i wish it could have spread to all pollinators, but bees are cute, bees will do. i saw them everywhere, on keychains and shirts and cars and jewelry, and i think that seeing them everywhere did help with donations towards their preservation.

i have few fond memories from childhood (i’m sure there are more; my damn memory issues), but the ones that come to mind instantly when i think of Dad are the ones when he was so very passionate about my learning of bugs. i love bugs, all bugs, and that came directly from him. (perhaps the burning was rebellion.)

when i was in elementary school i shared an intimate interaction with a carpenter bee—those were his favorites among bees, thus i loved them a little extra too. i was by myself at the little white house structure during recess, off to the left a bit, and i suppose i had become still enough because a carpenter bee landed on my hand, quite out of nowhere. i froze and stared. i remembered what Dad told me, that sometimes they need to rest. i thought to myself that the little guy must be very tired to have landed on me. so i remained still until he eventually flew away. i wanted to touch him, but i restrained myself. it wouldn’t do to stress him out while he’s trying to regain energy. after he left i felt well and good, honored to have taken part.

so when people started parroting “oooh yeah you’re a girl, of course you like bees”, i got pretty annoyed. i got accustomed to replying with something like, “yeah, i love bugs”, or “yeah, i really admire pollinators”.

it hurts my heart when i see people kill bugs just because they’re bugs. i admit that it causes me to judge a person’s character. i don’t favor bug-killers. if it’s harmless and can be taken outside then just…take it outside. while growing up i was that kid in the class people called upon to remove intrusive “pests”. usually roaches and spiders. last year, here at work, i relocated a mama spider from the staffing agent office, and i hope she found somewhere else for her egg sack. they’re so small, just trying to live, following instinct that doesn’t always serve them well anymore because we’re around. we confuse them, and they don’t even know they’re confused.

i hit a bird on my way to work this morning. my heart has been broken all day for it. there was a group of them, and the last one just didn’t make it. i couldn’t stop to bury her because of the traffic. i contributed to roadside tragedy and i feel disgusting for it. feathers flew, it was instant. it had to have been. thankfully it was instant.

you know, the first thing i put in my new car was a dead bird. she had hit one of the glass walls of the dealership. my brother pointed her out as we were taking a break from the paperwork, and then we picked her up and kept her hidden in my purse. when we left i put her in my new middle console, and then we drove home, and then we buried her at his place. poor creature, she couldn’t be left to the devices of a sidewalk. a sidewalk is no place for a corpse.

i’ve lost my intention. good things. i really love bees.