may 1st

10:11am

why does no one care about me? i fear that sounds dramatic, but really. why doesn’t anyone consistently care for me?

i’ve become a very supportive person. i’ve become quite good at regulating my upset. i’ve perfected the art of “i’m sorry”, for everything, anything because sometimes, even when nothing’s truly wrong, it can mean the world. i care deeply and effortlessly.

maybe it’s because i’m so off. i come off strange. i try not to, but if i try too hard i just become stranger. i recall [sorority sister] telling me that the reason she never reached out or invited me to things or spoke to me unless she wanted something was because “you just seem fine”. (or however it was she put it.)

i’m still pissed about that. what does “seeming fine” have to do with companionship, friendship? must i be dying to deserve a decent friend? same [oops] who asked me to sleep with her so she could have finally had sex with a girl before leaving town. fake gay bullshit.

i’ve never been fine. telling people that has never worked either. so what the actual fuck am i supposed to do?

i wrote that poem yesterday and no one cared enough to say anything about it. why do i read anything? i beta read and i give feedback and i support support support but the most i get, on average, is “i like it”. if that.

i feel bad sending snippets to [editor] because i pay her for her service, so i try not to do that much. she’s always very kind though, always has some input, always something to say.

Momma said i should start giving less. that feels wrong to me, i shouldn’t have to give less. would supporting others less help me? i don’t think so.

i’m just so sad. i felt it return yesterday afternoon. i just walked from my living room to my kitchen and back over and over, mindless, wrong, frustrated and unwell. i went to bed early.

it’s okay. it doesn’t matter. i should avoid important decisions today.